There is a lot to say about having healthy boundaries. They keep us out of bad situations; help us
navigate social situations; help maintain a lifestyle that isn’t
overwhelming. A lot of us struggle with
boundaries. Boundaries may be stronger
or weaker depending on whether or not we are engaging with our children,
parents, friends, colleagues, or the general public. Oftentimes, we tend to
judge people based on how clear or strong their boundaries may be.
For trauma survivors, boundaries can be scary. Boundaries
for someone who has experienced interpersonal trauma can feel like being faced with
a high wall instead of a fence. A fence
can be seen through while a wall blocks all view of the world.
For many years children were not allowed to have boundaries
and, in some families, they still aren’t allowed. “Kiss your Aunt Sadie! She is just being nice!” “Give your Uncle Barry a big hug!” “Don’t be so shy. Stop it.
Just do it or else!” “Sit on
Grandpa’s lap and be a nice girl/boy!”
Those situations may seem harmless but children have been
taught early that they are not allowed to say “no” and there will be
consequences if they do.
Perpetrators look for children who haven’t been allowed to
say “no.” They also look for children
who have learned that it is the child’s responsibility to manage the well-being
of the family by keeping secrets and not making waves. Children are sought after who are swimming in
a vast sea of ambiguity rather than a clear defined personal space.
The analogy for this experience is that of the Hardboiled Egg. The Hardboiled Egg starts out with a smooth
perfect shell but as time goes by the shell is cracked by the desires of the
adults around it. As it grows older it
eventually has lost most or all of its shell and is now vulnerable. Perpetrators look for vulnerabilities and it
now faces the judgment of people who can’t understand why it continues to get
bruised and dirty.
Trauma survivors are often judged for having poor
boundaries. “Why do you continue to date
men who abuse you?” “Why don’t you
leave?” “ Why do you continue to take
that person’s calls?” “Why didn’t you
just tell them ‘no’?” “You should’ve
known better!” “You need better boundaries!”
Survivors feel that their lack of boundaries is the reason that they
were hurt. The blame ends up on them
instead of on the person who hurt them.
Boundaries are of no use to perpetrators and they work hard
to make sure that a child or adult victim recognizes that they are safer
without them. “If you are nice to me, I
will be nice to you and I won’t hurt you.”
“Don’t tell your mother. This is
our little secret” “If you don’t take my
calls, I will come find you.” “If you
really loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”
When I was a substance abuse counselor I was working with a
woman who was trying to stay sober while staying away from her abusive
boyfriend. He lived a couple of hours
away and threatened both her sobriety and her physical safety. During a one hour session he called her cell
phone at least twice and she told me that he called her at least twenty times a
day. I was frustrated because I saw this
as a lack of good boundaries on her part.
I asked her why she didn’t block his calls. I doubted her resolve to stay away from the
relationship. I was judging her.
She explained to me that if she blocked him he would start
to physically look for her. If he was
able to talk to her a couple of times a day and was reassured that she was
coming back (even if she wasn’t) he did not get anxious. In addition, she informed me that she would
feel more anxious and fearful if she was unable to talk to him. She needed to know his mood and his
intentions in order to feel safe staying away.
If she built the big boundary wall she would feel less safe. It seems counter-intuitive, but to the
survivor it makes perfect sense.
If a child is not is a safe and stable environment with a loving
caregiver they may not be able to develop strong boundaries. When the child becomes an adult and is
confronted with the concept of boundaries they find the idea difficult to
understand. Why would you tell a person “no”
if there is a possibility that they will get angry and hurt you? Why would you stand up for yourself with a
bully if there is a chance that the abuse could get worse? Why would you leave if your partner has told
you he will kill you or your children if you do so? The world that a survivor lives in does not
feel safer if they put up boundaries.
So why bother talking about boundaries? There is a time and a place for boundaries. However, as many trauma experts tell us, a
person does not begin to heal from interpersonal abuse and violence until they
feel safe and stable. Safety and
stability in mind and body are only created when there are systems in place in
the community and family that provide accountability for the perpetrator and safety
for the victims. Until then, a survivor
is going to do what they have learned to do in order to stay safe. Those survival skills may include being nice
to the abuser, calling the perpetrator after an assault to try and normalize
the relationship, lying to family and friends about the abuse, refusing to call
the police, and submitting to unwanted advances.
This feeling of safety and stability may take a long
time. It may not happen while a person
is living in shelter or attending a support group or working with a
counselor. Instead of insisting that a
person learn to have better boundaries (heard as “if you had better boundaries
you wouldn’t have gotten into this situation in the first place”) it may be
helpful to explore how these survivor skills contributed to resilience and
safety. As time goes on, when the person
is ready, then other skills such as boundaries can be learned but a person
should be able to celebrate how they survived the abuse without being judged.
