The Fallacy of Co-Dependency and Addiction in Regards to Seeking Safety

I was having a conversation with a program director yesterday and it was brought up that there is still language in the mental health community in regards to intimate partner violence survivors being labeled as “addicted” to their abusers. This led to a discussion regarding co-dependency, addiction and being a person living with an abusive partner in her life.

The definition of addiction, “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma,” does a disservice to the survivors for whom we advocate and does not address the cycle of violence and the desire for the woman to manage her life in a way that keeps her and her children safe. According to the definition of addiction, separation from the habit causes trauma due to the loss and the physical effects of separation. Certain habits, skills, and coping mechanisms may be developed in a relationship in order to attempt to manage the abuser and the violence but these are in no way a sign that the person is addicted to the abuser. If anything, she is addicted to maintaining her safety and is hyper vigilant of the abuser’s activities in order to maintain that safety. This hyper vigilance is a result of complex trauma, not of an addiction.

The term “co-dependency” over the years has evolved and is often used when describing a victim of intimate partner violence who remains living within the cycle of abuse. As a movement, domestic violence advocates work hard to keep from labeling victims with descriptors that blame the victim. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. Like the term “addiction” however, “co-dependency” does not take into consideration the hyper vigilant behavior that arises from the complex trauma of abuse. Someone who is labeled co-dependent is attempting to control another person’s behavior in order to feeling in control and may blur boundaries in order for that to occur. However, a victim of violence has had her boundaries violated by another and has developed behaviors in order to maintain her safety. Again, these behaviors are not due to co-dependency but are survival skills developed while experiencing trauma.

When we think about what trauma does to the brain we understand a little more about how addiction and co-dependency differ. When the brain experiences a traumatic event the “doing” center of the brain, the amygdale, is activated into fight, flight or freeze mode. The pre-frontal cortex or frontal lobe, the “thinking center” assesses the danger and will tell the “doing” center to back down and resume normal activity. However, after many traumatic incidents (complex trauma) the “thinking” area of the brain will stop assessing, assumes the person is always under attack, and will not stop the “doing” center from going into fight, flight or freeze. Therefore, the person is in a heightened state of anxiety and hyper vigilance most of the time and develops strategies to manage that state that would seem foreign and/or maladaptive to the rest of us. To the victim, these strategies feel like the only way to maintain safety. This is not about being co-dependent or addicted it is about wanting to be safe.

While the trauma is occurring and the survivor is developing her skills to maintain safety she may be unable to focus on skills and behaviors for daily living. As stated above, the “thinking” area of the brain has allowed the “doing” center to take over. What we see as manipulative, co-dependent, or addictive behaviors are actually necessary skills to maintain safety and until the chemicals that have flooded the “doing” center of the brain find a healthy way to release and the “thinking” brain can function normally again, these skills will remain as the primary method of maintaining safety. This work cannot occur while trauma is still occurring and requires safe, healthy relationships with advocates and therapists who understand what is happening from a trauma-informed viewpoint. There are many modes of treatment that work to return the brain and body to balance and I recommend that you search out therapists in your area who understand trauma and trauma treatment.