She must not be in danger if . . . . . .

As advocates for victims of domestic violence we are very aware of the reasons that a woman stays in a relationship and we often talk about the reasons she may return to a relationship.  However, sometimes I hear of advocates having expectations of victims that do not take into consideration the amount of trauma she has experienced and the ambivalence she may have about leaving the relationship.  Let’s look at the following scenario:

Cathy calls a domestic violence hotline and states she wants to leave her home because she is fearful for herself and her children.  She has recently talked to friends or family and they are afraid for her and have encouraged her to call the hotline or a police officer gave her the local hotline number.  After going through the assessment to determine if she meets criteria to enter the shelter she is told that there is space available and the advocate starts to make arrangements to have Cathy and her children come into the shelter.  At this point, Cathy asks the advocate if she can come in two days later and gives various reasons as to why she needs to wait another two days even though she has stated she is fearful of her partner.  These reasons could include doctors’ appointments, needing to make arrangements for pet care, packing, child care, or wanting to wait until the children are out of school on Friday. 

Putting aside the issue regarding space in shelter (not wanting to hold a space for someone for two days when someone else may need it) let’s take a look at how an advocate who is not trauma-responsive may think versus a trauma-responsive approach to helping Cathy.

If she doesn’t take into consideration the trauma that Cathy has experienced the advocate may wonder if Cathy is in as much danger as she says she is and think that Cathy may be trying to manipulate the advocate.  The advocate may not say what she is thinking to Cathy, but it may come across in her tone or actions when working out the details for admission to the shelter.  The advocate may be in danger of minimizing the harm that Cathy may be facing.

A trauma responsive advocate is able to step back and take a look at how the effects of trauma may be impacting Cathy’s decision to enter shelter and be able to work with her on a plan to help her get to shelter safely.  Deciding to make a call for shelter is a part of a process that may not necessarily culminate in leaving the abuser.  Cathy could be ambivalent about leaving her very dangerous situation for a number of reasons including fear (can I really do this and be safe?), not ready to believe that the relationship may be over, worry about what family and friends may think, and uncertainty about what shelter living may mean for her and the children.

If there has been a recent violence episode she may still be in shock and finding it difficult to make decisions and put one foot in front of the other.  Cathy may also be experiencing the long term effects of trauma that have affected her ability to focus.  Her abuser may have made threats of what he would do if she left and she suddenly remembers them, or she may believe what he has told her about her inability to live without him. 

Living with an abuser is scary AND leaving an abuser is scary.  In other words, she may feel that what is familiar and scary is actually more comfortable that what is unknown and scary.

Moving from understanding this to being trauma-responsive is the next step.  When someone says she cannot come in for a couple of days first take the time to have a conversation about safety and be willing to work on a plan for how she can be safe in the meantime and leave safely when she is ready; and, second, explore the ambivalence with her by saying the following (in your own words):

“This is a big step to take and can feel just as scary as staying.  Is there anything else you need to know about our shelter so that you can feel more comfortable?”

“This is your decision to make and it is a hard one.  Sometimes a woman will come into shelter for a few days and then make the decision to go someplace else.  That is okay.  We are here for you whether you are in shelter or not.”

“Is there any way we can help you with all those things you need to do after you come into shelter?”

“If you decide not to come into shelter we are still here if you want to come in and talk to someone about what is going on and maybe look at other options.  We are not just a shelter.  We also do many other things.”

Trauma’s impact is different for each individual and there is always an impact.  Not everyone will react as we would or in way with which we may be familiar.  Our job as advocates is to believe the victim and if there is any doubt it is still best to err on her side than to possibly make the mistake of not granting shelter to someone in dire need of safe place to be.