Why Is Self-Care So Hard?

I was talking to another advocate the other day about the importance of self-care and came to a few realizations.    Those of us working in domestic violence and sexual assault field are impacted every day by the stories that we hear and we need to have downtime in order to recover from the effects of vicarious trauma.  But many of us seldom take the time.  When asked “why not?” many will just shrug their shoulders and say “I don’t have the time.”  I think that for many people it really goes deeper than that.  I think that if a person asks herself why she can’t find the time, the answer reflects more about the person’s regard for herself than it does time constraints. 

1.        “I am not important enough.”  This reflects an attitude that the advocate feels that the problems of others are more important than her own and that she just needs to buck up and not impose on others in order to take care of herself.  She doesn’t see herself as having any value.  The important thing to remember is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else. 

2.       Imposter syndrome – This has been written about in different places.  It basically is the innate belief a person has that she is hiding her basic unworthiness from the world and that it is only time before every one finds out what a fraud she is.  Staying busy and refraining from self-care is a way of proving one’s value to the world and/or keeping people from finding out the secret.

3.       The depression that comes from vicarious trauma makes it difficult to do any more than what is asked for and taking the extra steps for self-care seem overwhelming.  Depression also makes a person lose touch with the things she used to love to do.  It always amazes me when an advocate can list the contents of a whole tool box of self-care items for a survivor but fails to open that box for herself. 

4.       Trying to stay ahead of the effects of trauma – Many advocates have their own trauma history and are regularly triggered by the stories they hear.  Staying busy is a way to keep from facing one’s own past, but it can often lead to complete burn out and collapse.  It also contributes to being ineffective as an advocate. 

It may take a few tries to find  activities to alleviate the effects of vicarious trauma.  It may be helpful to think about what you used to do that lifted your spirits and find new ways to enjoy them.  Did you enjoy singing – how about joining an acapella group?  Have you always wanted to play music?  Then take lessons or join a drumming group.  Sports?  I know advocates who have joined roller derby teams and love it.  Outdoors?  Check out www.meetup.com to find out what activities are going on in your area or just grab a friend for a hike in the woods.

If you find you are hesitating or it is difficult to engage in activities that you enjoy or you refrain from spending time with family and friends, then the effects of the vicarious trauma may be deeper.  Seriously consider looking for a good therapist in your area to talk to about what you are experiencing.  It could be the best thing you could do for yourself and for the people with whom you come in contact.