Women, Trauma, and Self Blame

When working with female victims of trauma, we often come across women who hold a lot of regret and self blame in regards to their actions. It may not be immediately evident to the advocate working with the mother, however, once the women engages in a relationship with an advocate or other service provider, or has the opportunity to work on her relationship with her children, she may begin to voice a sense of failure, disappointment, loss and grief over the years spent using substances.

According to Dr. Stephanie Covington, an expert in women, trauma and substance abuse; “women are strongly attuned to connections and relationships. Because healthy connections are crucial for women, their psychological problems can be linked to disconnection or violation (Miller, 1976). Women frequently begin to use substances in ways that initially seem to make or maintain connections, in attempts to feel connected, energized, or loved when these feelings are otherwise missing in their lives. They may begin to use alcohol or other drugs to alter themselves to fit the available relationships -- typically, in order to please their male partners. They change themselves to maintain the relationships. Women also use substances to numb the pain of non-mutual, non-empathic, and violent relationships. They may turn to substances to provide what their actual relationships are not providing, such as energy, a sense of power, emotional and physical comfort, and relief from confusion. Addicted women often are paired with men who disappoint them by failing to provide emotional and financial support (including support for their children) and who wind up in jail. These women take solace from their disappointment through drug use. When a woman is disconnected from others (in non-mutual relationships) or involved in abusive or other traumatic relationships, she experiences a “depressive spiral” that includes diminished vitality, disempowerment, confusion, diminished self-worth, and a turning away from relationships (Covington & Surrey, 2000).”

Trauma survivors are well tuned-in to the attitudes and judgments of others and tend to internalize messages they receive from their partner, their family, and society. An abusive partner is likely to have planted the seeds of self blame by accusing her of being a bad wife and mother, weak, or keeps her isolated from any persons or activities who could possibly increase her self esteem or empower her to live a life free from abuse.

Tribal messages from family also impact a women’s view of her self. Due to the experience of trauma she may not be able to live up to the standards of womanhood that were imprinted on her throughout her childhood. She may also be grieving the loss of the dream she had of relationships, marriage and motherhood and blaming herself for her perceived failure in achieving those dreams. Societal expectations also play a large role in reflecting disapproval or failure when a woman does not fulfill her role in a respectable way.

“What is less well understood is the impact of trauma on a woman’s capacity to mother. The wounded mother is often the blamed mother. For many of these women, mothering means struggling to parent your child while at the same time struggling to recover. A history of past trauma can affect how a woman experiences parenting and how effective she is as a parent. There are several major parenting issues for trauma survivors:


• Feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy can interfere with parenting.


• Interaction with a child can trigger a mother’s traumatic past.

• The mothers are at risk of becoming overprotective of their children.

• At the other extreme, they may be neglectful in order to avoid being “triggered” by their children.

• Addicted mothers may have been inadequately nurtured themselves. (Covington, 2007).”

In order to assist women in resolving their issues surrounding self blame, it is important to help them learn about and establish strong boundaries. Once they have a sense of how their boundaries were violated by the abuser, they can begin to understand how much responsibility was theirs and how much of the blame has been unjustly placed on them. They can also see the part that the trauma had in their addictions and can be given new choices that help to empower them and move forward. By helping them understand that the choices that they made in the past may have been the best they could do under the circumstances. They may be able to move past the regrets and work towards living a new life without the hindrance of self blame. This takes patience with one’s self and constant reminders about mindfully living in the present.

Trauma survivors tend to judge their past behavior on who they are now instead of being able to see who they were. If their children, partners, family, or society are telling them that they are to blame for their actions women can become disheartened. It is important to remind them that recovery is a journey and that others may not choose to join them and instead remain in a place of blame and regret. By moving forward and looking on the past with compassion, they can begin to heal from wounds of blame and regret and become engaged in new relationships that reinforce the person she is in the here and now.

Resource:

Covington, Stephanie, PhD, LCSW, Working with Substance Abusing Mothers: A Trauma-Informed, Gender-Responsive Approach, A Publication of the National Abandoned Infants Assistance Resource Center, Berkeley, CA (Volume 16, No.1, 2007)