Things I Have Learned From Trauma Survivors

I spend a lot of time talking to trauma survivors and have learned so much from them that I have decided to share.


1. It takes a lot of courage to get needs met. Victims of domestic and sexual violence often feel that they are weak or that they do not deserve to have their needs met. Often, in relationships with caregivers or partners, asking for what they need meant being refused, punished, ignored, invalidated, or abandoned. At times, it may even be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is needed because there is no experience of having a need met.

When a trauma survivor learns to ask for what she needs and is met with a positive response, it can be a life changing for her. A survivor recently told me that she had a medical procedure that due to her childhood abuse could have been extremely traumatic for her. However, she was able to explain to the medical personnel what her needs were in the situation and told them how they could help her through the procedure. The medical staff responded positively and the woman was able to get through the procedure without experiencing flashbacks or nightmares. She felt empowered.

Not all survivors are ready to ask to have their needs met when they first start working with advocates or counselors. It may take small steps and advocates need to be aware that. . . . . .

2. Sometimes survivors use different skills than we would use in order to get their needs met. I often hear service providers use the terms “manipulative,” “resistant,” “defensive,” “adversarial,” or “borderline” to describe trauma survivors. They are often accused of “using the system.” Because of their experiences and the responses that they have received from persons in their past, trauma survivors develop a certain set of skills in order to protect themselves, get what they need, and feel safe. These skills may seem counter-productive or negative in the greater world; however, in the world of ongoing invalidation, abuse, and abandonment that they have lived in, these skills are what have worked for them. And – they have not had the safety or the time to learn the skills that many people would prefer they use. It is similar to asking someone from a country where they do not speak English to start speaking English the moment they arrive. It takes time and safety, trusting relationships, and support to be able to learn the skills that are necessary to get needs met in the larger world. As long as they are expecting to be harmed, they will use the skills they have always used.

3. Telling the story can be scary. We often wonder why a person will call a support line or attend a support group once and then never come back. Sometimes it is because she is afraid that if she tells the story (or now that she has) something bad is going to happen. Many childhood sexual abuse victims were told by her perpetrator that bad things were going to happen to her or her family if she told anyone what was happening. As an adult, this message is still held deep in her being and once she tells the story to a therapist, a support group, or family member she may become frightened that something horrible is now going to happen. Unfortunately, this feeling may be validated by negative responses by family members or re-victimization in the systems that are meant to help. She may feel that all of these bad things that are happening are her fault for telling about the abuse. It may take time for her to be able to open up again or to feel safe walking back into an office or support group.

4. It takes as long as it takes. Many survivors have told me that their family members cannot understand why they just can’t “get over it.” A few women I have spoken to have told me that they have been expected to attend family gatherings where the perpetrator from their childhood is present, live in the same neighborhood where the rape took place, or have been told they need to “forgive and forget.” Being told this can be a form of re-victimization in the form of invalidation of the survivor’s internal experience. Memories live deep in the cells of a person’s body and it cannot be predicted when a feeling, smell, color, or sound will ignite that memory into a flame. Survivors can learn ways to manage the responses that occur in their bodies and maybe even lessen how often they are triggered, but it takes as long as it takes and each person is different. To expect someone to be “over it” is often a way a family member tells someone that they don’t like their behavior which leads to………..

5. Families often behave like crabs in a bucket. If you put one crab in a bucket, it can easily climb up the side of the bucket and get out. If you put a few crabs in a bucket, as soon as one starts to climb up the side the others start to grab on and pull the escaping crab back down to the bottom. It looks like a free for all, with all the crabs pulling each other down. This often happens when one person in a family system is trying to learn new skills to manage her trauma or is making changes to be a healthier human being. One person who is making changes can throw off the whole family system and everyone struggles to bring that person back in line with the family dynamics even when that dynamic has been harmful to everyone involved. Speaking up about abuse, getting clean and sober, getting a higher education, or learning to speak one’s personal truth can often lead to being pulled back into the bucket unless there is plenty of positive support to help climb the side. The survivor may find it easier to go back into the bucket for a while, but as long as there is support available, she may eventually find her way to the top and out of the grasping reach of the dysfunctional system.