Healing Neen and Being a Drop in the Bucket

A few weeks ago I attended a conference held by the National Association for Infant Mental Health. One of the keynote speakers was Tonier Cain. Her story was inspiring and hopeful. It was also a testimony to the need for trauma responsive services for women.


Tonier spent nineteen years on the streets of Baltimore, using drugs, prostituting, being rape and abused, and going in and out of the correctional system. She had a total of 83 arrests and 66 convictions. She lost five children to the system because of her inability to stay clean and sober and out of jail. It wasn’t until she was able to enter a trauma-responsive treatment program for female offenders that she was able to change her life. She was pregnant and determined not to lose custody of another child and begged a judge to keep her in jail for a few more months so that she would qualify for the program. Once she entered the program she was asked “Tony, what happened to you?” and when she told her life story someone let her know that she was not responsible for all of the bad things that happened to her as a child and she believed them.

Tonier was the oldest child of a drug addict and alcoholic. When she was nine years old her mother had parties and once her mother passed out, her mother’s “guests” would go to the children’s room. Tonier would block the doorway in order to protect her brothers and sisters, sacrificing her safety for theirs. When she was a teenager, her mother signed papers for her to be married to a man who was nine years older than Tonia and who beat her if the house was not as clean as he wanted it to be. She learned that if she used cocaine she was able to find the energy to clean, but was not able to stop the beatings.

Tonier Cain is now a nationally recognized speaker with seven years clean and sober. She is a dynamic advocate for trauma-informed services and is heart wrenchingly honest when speaking about her life.

Tonier’s story is available at http://www.healingneen.org/. The 54 minute DVD is free of charge to anyone desiring a copy. I highly recommend this video as a means of learning how valuable understanding the impact of childhood trauma on a woman’s future can be and knowing that many of the women we work with are responding to the trauma. Also included in the video is a short discussion with Dr. Vincent Filletti M.D., chief researcher of the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study.

As I viewed this video today, I was reminded of a statement made by Patti Bland of the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Substance Abuse at a meeting I attended in late September. She stated that “each time we look for reasons not to provide shelter to a battered woman we are colluding with the abuser.” Tonier Cain does not mention it in her video or in her speech, but I can imagine a similar woman seeking services at a domestic violence program and being refused shelter because of her drug use or mental health issues. How often has an abuser used his partner’s drug use or mental illness as a means of control by saying “No one will help you. You’re just a druggie.” “No one is going to take you in. You’re crazy.” And how often is he right? Through the Open Doors to Safety program, this is certainly happening less and less here in New Hampshire. However, there are often other reasons that a woman may not be accepted into shelter that validate the messages that she has been receiving from her current or past abuser. “You’re not worth anything.” “No one will want you.” “You will never get away from me.”

If you work at a shelter program, I invite you to think about Patti Bland’s statement and consider how you can provide services that respond to the trauma that she has experienced through her life and that do not traumatize her further. If you do watch Tonia Cain’s movie, Healing Neen, take time to discuss how you could possible assist a woman who comes to you with a similar story while she is still in active addiction. What community contacts/collaborations do you have in place to assist your program in providing services?

Stephanie Covington, http://www.stephaniecovington.com/ who spoke at the Healing the Wounds of Abuse conference in Manchester and Plymouth NH last month, talked about how we are all drops in the bucket of a woman’s life. She may come and go from our services and we may feel we have failed her. However, we don’t know which drop in the bucket we are, one of the first or one of the many that follow, but eventually, hopefully, there will be enough safety, support, and information provided so that she can make changes in her life. I hope we don’t pass up chances to be a drop in a survivor’s bucket.