“You Should Be Over It by Now”

These seven words can extend the experience of grief, guilt and shame of many survivors of sexual assault and other types of trauma.  Unfortunately, these words are often said by someone that the survivor looks to for support such as a family member or mental health professional.  Childhood sexual assault survivors have told me of instances when they were expected to engage in family activities that include the perpetrator of their abuse because the family feels “it is all in the past and you should forgive and forget.”

This refusal to accept the ongoing impact of the abuse in a person’s life can increase the shame, guilt, and sense of loneliness and isolation that a survivor feels. 

According to researchers Koss and Harvey (1991), “victims of sexual assault show very high distress levels within the first week that peak in severity by approximately 3 weeks postassault.  The distress then continues at a high level for the next month but begins to improve by 2 to 3 months.  After 3 months, rape victims do not differ from nonvictims on most symptom{s}” (p. 57).  However, even though these levels of distress will gradually diminish there are long term effects that can impact the life of the victim.  Women who have been sexually assaulted are more likely than others to experience a lifetime prevalence of clinical depression, addiction to drugs or alcohol, anxiety disorders, and post traumatic stress disorder.  (Koss & Harvey 1991 as quoted by End Violence Against Women International).

Trauma survivors may be also be experiencing long term effects of grief.  A trauma survivor is no longer the same person that he/she was before the assault took place.  The world no longer feels safe and the impact of the assault changes the persons physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Experiencing grief at the loss of the pre-trauma person is a normal response to the horrific event.

Many victims have fewer episodes of reliving the assault as time goes by.  However, there comes a point in the recovery process where they realize they are not able to simply “get over” the trauma as easily as they originally thought.  This may be due to a crisis that floods the person with memories or (as noted above) contact with the perpetrator or someone who looks like the perpetrator. 

Many of the women that I have worked with find that their recovery from the trauma is impacted by the validation or lack of validation by important people in their life.  If a family member denies that sexual assault occurred against a young child or teen, that victim often feels as if the family has colluded with the perpetrator and/or blames the victim for any disruption to the family.  The victim then learns to suppress their emotions often leading to drug or alcohol abuse, depression, and anxiety.

When a trauma survivor asks me how long it will take to “get over” what has happened, I respond by letting them know it will take as long as it takes.  Some days will be better than others and eventually the good days will number more than the bad days.  However, the event or series of events will always be with them.  I encourage survivors to find ways to be in contact with other survivors so they know they are not alone, but I still want them to feel validated in their uniqueness.  No one likes to be told (as one woman recently related to me) that the rest of the world has problems, too.  Yes, the rest of the world has problems, too, but this woman just wanted her family member to acknowledge her pain. 

Being able to move on does not mean getting over.  The impact of the abuse will always be there.  Eventually the person does become stronger at the broken places and can transform the pain.  However, no one can predict how or when that happens.

Citations are from Victim Impact: How Do Sexual Assault Victims Respond? And How Can Law Enforcement and Other Community Professional Respond Successfully? By  Kimberly A. Lonsway, PhD and Sergeant Joanne Archambault (Ret.), May 2007, www.evawintl.org