Book Review - Hood Feminism – Notes from the Women That Movement Forgot by Mikki Kendall

There has recently been a rise in purchases of books written by black authors about social justice issues.  I would like an addition to your reading list.  Mikki Kendall’s book was released a few weeks ago and it would be great to see it rise up to the ranks of other great books about the experiences of black and indigenous people of color (BIPOC).

Ms. Kendall is writing for both BIPOC and white women in an effort to wake us up to the fact that feminism has failed to address the needs of BIPOC and, in fact, has further strengthened racist systems in order to protect the rights and protections of white women.  At any time in history that a majority of white women have voted for a candidate who claims to be a “law and order” candidate, declares a “war on drugs”, reforms aid for family programs, and promises to “build a wall”, the primary reason is based on fear that white neighborhoods and lifestyles will be eroded by dangerous people (also known as black and brown people).  Ms. Kendall provides a number of examples where white supremacy has governed the decisions of many feminists in their desire to have equal rights.  Equal rights for feminists has meant equal rights for white women at a great cost to BIPOC. 

I invite you to buy this book in order to learn more about how housing and welfare policies have further damaged BIPOC communities.  I ask you to read carefully about how young black girls are seen and treated as being much older than they are and blamed for a number of things that they have no control over.  Learn how the medical community continues to fail BIPOC by practices that would never be tolerated by white communities.  Read statistics that show that many of the domestic violence and sexual assault statistics that we quote are based on white populations and do not reflect the violence perpetuated against female (including trans women) BIPOC by white men. 

Feminism has a long legacy of racism and until we are able to face that fact, we cannot call ourselves allies. 

Book Review: A False Report - A True Story of Rape in America by T. Christian Miller and Ken Armstrong

In 2016 I listened to an episode of This American Life on NPR that stunned me.  I had known for years that police often failed to take allegations of sexual assault seriously, but it had never really hit home that persons could also be charged for making a false report if the investigating officer felt that the story did not add up and the person must be lying. 

The story that was told on This American Life was taken from an article authored by T. Christian Miller and Ken Armstrong in ProPublica.  Miller and Armstrong had been working on the story separately and came together after finding that each had separate parts of the narrative.

The story begins in Lynnwood, Washington with a young woman being raped by an intruder shortly after she had moved into her new apartment.  She had spent years in the foster care system and was now on her own.  She had decisive plans for her future.  The rape was brutal and she would have certainly have experienced some long term trauma from the experience but the accusations by the police, friends, and foster families that she had made up the story to get attention laid the groundwork  for years of depression. 

Along with Marie’s story we also learn the details of the investigations into a string of rapes occurring in Colorado.  Fortunately, the police departments in Colorado used cooperation and the most-up-to-date forms of forensic investigation to eventually find the man who had broken into a number of homes and raped women.  The writers of A False Report were able to obtain interview materials to tell the story of Marc O’Leary and how he came to live a life that even he described as “depraved.” 

In weaving the three narratives together we learn how police departments can either believe victims no matter how they present and move forward an active investigation or disregard an allegation based on the internal biases and stigmas officers may have regarding how victims should behave.  These responses can lead to either validation and closure or ongoing pain and trauma for victims of sexual assault.

Even though we know that most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, we can learn a lot from the rapist’s story.  He was not a trauma survivor.  He admitted to having a safe upbringing without any abuse.  He had a stellar military record.  However, he was also a methodical predator who honed his skills and threatened his victims with the possibility that he would post video and photos of them on his pornographic websites. 

As disturbing as all this was to read, and I knew the bones of the story, I was appalled at the history behind the ingrained cultural belief that allegations of sexual assault (particularly those made by women) are more often than not false.  In fact, the Lord Chief Justice of England in 1671, Sir Matthew Hale, laid the groundwork by denouncing women for their maliciousness and tendency to tell false stories.  Thomas Jefferson even wrote in a letter to James Madison of his opposition to harsh punishment for rape, “on account of the temptation women would be under to make it the instrument of vengeance against an inconstant lover, and of disappointment to a rival”. This insistence that women are prone to “contrive false charges” about “imaginary” sexual assaults continued in to the 20^th century by Harvard Law Review founder John Henry Wigmore.  As seen by the 2018 Kavanaugh hearings, we know that there continues to be a deeply held cultural belief that men are to be protected against the false allegations of unhinged women rather than believing in the possibility that a woman could be telling the truth. 

In their book, Armstrong and Miller walk us through the damage that the ongoing belief in false reporting has on the criminal justice system and on the many victims of assault who are left alone and ostracized by friends and family.  Victims who are not believed are not only further traumatized but in their failure to investigate and eventually prosecute the rapist, the criminal justice system is leaving rapists with the opportunity to rape again… and again.   
This book should be required reading for all police departments and prosecutors.  

Why Boundaries are Scary for Trauma Survivors

There is a lot to say about having healthy boundaries.  They keep us out of bad situations; help us navigate social situations; help maintain a lifestyle that isn’t overwhelming.  A lot of us struggle with boundaries.  Boundaries may be stronger or weaker depending on whether or not we are engaging with our children, parents, friends, colleagues, or the general public. Oftentimes, we tend to judge people based on how clear or strong their boundaries may be.

For trauma survivors, boundaries can be scary. Boundaries for someone who has experienced interpersonal trauma can feel like being faced with a high wall instead of a fence.  A fence can be seen through while a wall blocks all view of the world.

For many years children were not allowed to have boundaries and, in some families, they still aren’t allowed.  “Kiss your Aunt Sadie!  She is just being nice!”  “Give your Uncle Barry a big hug!”  “Don’t be so shy.  Stop it.  Just do it or else!”  “Sit on Grandpa’s lap and be a nice girl/boy!” 

Those situations may seem harmless but children have been taught early that they are not allowed to say “no” and there will be consequences if they do. 

Perpetrators look for children who haven’t been allowed to say “no.”  They also look for children who have learned that it is the child’s responsibility to manage the well-being of the family by keeping secrets and not making waves.  Children are sought after who are swimming in a vast sea of ambiguity rather than a clear defined personal space. 

The analogy for this experience is that of the Hardboiled Egg.  The Hardboiled Egg starts out with a smooth perfect shell but as time goes by the shell is cracked by the desires of the adults around it.  As it grows older it eventually has lost most or all of its shell and is now vulnerable.  Perpetrators look for vulnerabilities and it now faces the judgment of people who can’t understand why it continues to get bruised and dirty.

Trauma survivors are often judged for having poor boundaries.  “Why do you continue to date men who abuse you?”  “Why don’t you leave?”  “ Why do you continue to take that person’s calls?”  “Why didn’t you just tell them ‘no’?”  “You should’ve known better!” “You need better boundaries!”  Survivors feel that their lack of boundaries is the reason that they were hurt.  The blame ends up on them instead of on the person who hurt them. 

Boundaries are of no use to perpetrators and they work hard to make sure that a child or adult victim recognizes that they are safer without them.  “If you are nice to me, I will be nice to you and I won’t hurt you.”  “Don’t tell your mother.  This is our little secret”  “If you don’t take my calls, I will come find you.”  “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do that.”

When I was a substance abuse counselor I was working with a woman who was trying to stay sober while staying away from her abusive boyfriend.  He lived a couple of hours away and threatened both her sobriety and her physical safety.  During a one hour session he called her cell phone at least twice and she told me that he called her at least twenty times a day.  I was frustrated because I saw this as a lack of good boundaries on her part.  I asked her why she didn’t block his calls.  I doubted her resolve to stay away from the relationship.  I was judging her.

She explained to me that if she blocked him he would start to physically look for her.  If he was able to talk to her a couple of times a day and was reassured that she was coming back (even if she wasn’t) he did not get anxious.  In addition, she informed me that she would feel more anxious and fearful if she was unable to talk to him.  She needed to know his mood and his intentions in order to feel safe staying away.  If she built the big boundary wall she would feel less safe.  It seems counter-intuitive, but to the survivor it makes perfect sense.

If a child is not is a safe and stable environment with a loving caregiver they may not be able to develop strong boundaries.  When the child becomes an adult and is confronted with the concept of boundaries they find the idea difficult to understand.  Why would you tell a person “no” if there is a possibility that they will get angry and hurt you?  Why would you stand up for yourself with a bully if there is a chance that the abuse could get worse?  Why would you leave if your partner has told you he will kill you or your children if you do so?  The world that a survivor lives in does not feel safer if they put up boundaries.

So why bother talking about boundaries?  There is a time and a place for boundaries.  However, as many trauma experts tell us, a person does not begin to heal from interpersonal abuse and violence until they feel safe and stable.  Safety and stability in mind and body are only created when there are systems in place in the community and family that provide accountability for the perpetrator and safety for the victims.  Until then, a survivor is going to do what they have learned to do in order to stay safe.  Those survival skills may include being nice to the abuser, calling the perpetrator after an assault to try and normalize the relationship, lying to family and friends about the abuse, refusing to call the police, and submitting to unwanted advances.

This feeling of safety and stability may take a long time.  It may not happen while a person is living in shelter or attending a support group or working with a counselor.  Instead of insisting that a person learn to have better boundaries (heard as “if you had better boundaries you wouldn’t have gotten into this situation in the first place”) it may be helpful to explore how these survivor skills contributed to resilience and safety.  As time goes on, when the person is ready, then other skills such as boundaries can be learned but a person should be able to celebrate how they survived the abuse without being judged.

Privileged Language and the Use of the Word "Entitled"

Let me talk about the word “entitled” for a bit.  It is a word that gets thrown around a lot when people talk about poor, oppressed, marginalized, and homeless persons who are attempting to get their needs met in a lot of ways.  I googled the word and here is what I found:

en·ti·tled

adjective

1.    believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

"his pompous, entitled attitude"

After reading that definition I thought it would be helpful to also have the definition for the word “inherent.”

in·her·ent

adjective

1.    existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute.

"any form of mountaineering has its inherent dangers"

synonyms:		intrinsic, innate, immanent, built-in, indwelling, inborn, ingrained, deep-rooted; More

o    LAW

vested in (someone) as a right or privilege.

"the president's inherent foreign affairs power"

In reading these  I am led to the conclusion that a person who feels entitled believes that there is something that has been granted to them either by birth or investment that makes them deserving of special privileges. 

Do people who are homeless, oppressed, or marginalized in other ways have special privileges that have been endowed on them by society?  Or are they just struggling to gain a place of equity when they appear to be demanding of the attention of service providers? 

I like this image that shows the difference between equality and equity –

If the person on our right asked the person on the left for their box would you refer to them as feeling “entitled?”  If the person demanded the box, would you call them “entitled?”  If you say yes, then I would ask you to consider what privileges you have that you hold on to so tightly that you can’t recognize that someone actually needs to be able to see over the fence and that your privilege is keeping them from doing so. 

When we refer to people as feeling “entitled” we are often stating that our status quo is more important than others feeling like they live in an equitable society.

As the holidays start to come around, you will see a number of marginalized people struggling to get as much as they can from the various non-profits, charitable organizations and churches that provide gifts and food throughout the season.  It may seem that they feel “entitled” to everything they can get.  Maybe, just maybe, though, they feel that this generous outpouring from the community is the best time to stock up because they are certain that they will be without the things they need in the coming year.  Maybe, just maybe, they are seeing the same advertisements and depictions of prosperous families that we do and are trying to create something that resembles what they think the rest of the world has. 

If you have a home to go to, a bed of your own to sleep in, a regular paycheck, the ability to purchase gifts for your own children instead of taking whatever has been picked out for you by others, the knowledge that your table will have not only enough food for everyone but enough for leftovers, and there are people in your life who support you, then you are seen as the lucky ones.  You are seen as someone who has been entitled with privileges of which others only dream.  When you refer to a marginalized person, someone who is living on the edges of society in a shelter or below the poverty line, as feeling “entitled” you are forgetting that they would love to have those things to which you feel entitled.  However, they have been led to believe that they are not deserving of those things because every time they reach for the box so they can see over the fence, the fence gets higher and their box gets lower.

Remember, language is a powerful thing and if you find yourself referring to marginalized and oppressed people in negative terms, you become a part of the problem, not the solution.    

Traumatic Brain Injury - A Piece of the Puzzle Often Gets Overlooked

I came across an article in the New Yorker recently that stressed the importance of assessing for traumatic brain injury in victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.  This is also an advocacy issue.  With approximately 50 percent of victims being strangled in some point of their relationship it is imperative that we ask the questions about a possible history of strangulation and advocate for victims with the medical community to assess for possible brain injury.  We often become focused on the current issues or assume that a person's actions and behaviors are related to something else that we fail to ask simple questions that could rule out a possible brain injury or prevent further damage from failure to address an injury.  

"Such women would have been labelled 'difficult' in the recent past,  The police may dismiss them as being drunk, the state’s attorney may think they have mental illness.… Even the medical profession may dismiss them as being overdramatic. We have been able to intervene on their behalf to help other agencies understand that it is the T.B.I. that is causing some of these behaviors and symptoms.” NO VISIBLE BRUISES: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY

by Rachel Louise Snyder

 , DECEMBER 30, 2015

Domestic violence and sexual assault advocates can do a simple screening to determine if further assistance may be needed. 

A brief screening tool that was designed to be used by professionals who are not TBI experts is the HELPS.²

HELPS is an acronym for the most important questions to ask:
H = Were you hit in the head?
E = Did you seek emergency room treatment?
L = Did you lose consciousness? (Not everyone who suffers a TBI loses consciousness.)
P = Are you having problems with concentration and memory?
S = Did you experience sickness or other physical problems following the injury?

If you suspect a victim has a brain injury, or she answers “yes” to any of these questions, help her get an evaluation by a medical or neuropsychological professional – especially if she has suffered repeated brain injuries, which may decrease her ability to recover and increase her risk of death. If she wishes, reach out to the TBI service provider with information about DV, what support she needs, and what services are available to her. Look for ways to work together.

The National Brain Injury Association has links to the TBI associations in each state:  http://www.biausa.org/

Insidious Traumatization – How Recent Events are a Call to Self Care

Over the past months we have been exposed to a large amount of hate speech.  We have also seen a number of reports of poor to dismal responses to sexual assault and domestic violence.  I won’t go into those in detail.  They fill our inboxes, Facebook feeds, newspapers, and news channels.  The images fill our brains or we create our own images based on the details we are given.  We become angry at the way people do not seem to take the allegations seriously and how systems and persons continue to find ways to re-victimize.  We lose hope in our ability to make and sustain change.  We are reminded of our own victimization(s) and we start to feel helpless and hopeless.

Our response to the ongoing exposure to the victimization of others is the result of insidious trauma, often called “micro-aggressions.”  According to Laura S. Brown in her book, Cultural Competence in Trauma Therapy, “in the lives of many individuals who are members of target groups, daily existence is replete with reminders of the potential for traumatization and the absence of safety.”  These micro-aggressions can often seem fairly benign such as when a group is ridiculed in a public way or when one’s group is betrayed in a stereotypical way.  However, when a person is targeted in a violent way through hate speech, threats, invalidation of or disbelief in their experience and this is made public the impact on other members of the group can be significant. 

Laura Brown goes on to quote Root (1992) as arguing that “when a person is subjected to insidious traumatization, that individual experiences a gradual and often imperceptible erosion of the psyche.  A useful metaphor is that of very small drops of acid falling on a stone.  Each drop by itself does little damage and may in fact etch the stone in such a way as to make it more beautiful.  Thus, in some ways the experience of daily micro-aggression may evoke resilient coping responses (as when we find positive strategies to address the ongoing violence against the groups of which we are members).  Yet each drop of emotional acid creates just enough damage to render the next drop more damaging.  Over time a fissure develops in the form of an emotional vulnerability that is invisible so long as certain aspects of the biopsychosocial and spiritual environment remain steady or supportive.” (italics mine)

This insidious trauma can create conditions in us similar to those to whom the significant aggressions are directly applied.  When it is combined with the effects of previous trauma that we have experienced and are now re-living it damages the psyche and makes us weary. 

Our only hope is to surround ourselves with others who understand what this type of trauma can do to a person and find ways to care and nurture each other as we continue to face the onslaught of further violence against groups to which we belong or have a strong affinity.  We may, at times, need to take a break in order to be able to come back in support of victims, but it is by filling our cup that we are able to have enough to help others. 

Personal Essay by S.R. Cyr with Book Review of Nothing But My Voice by Donna Buiso

I wanted someone who had actually experienced what this book talks about to review this book.  Ms. Cyr was happy to do so and I thank her for taking the time.

S. R. Cyr has been a social justice as well as a child safety advocate since the birth of her first child in 1996.  

Ms. Cyr’s volunteer work as an advocate led her to obtain her BA in ‘Women and Gender Studies’ in 2013. Ms. Cyr’s ten-year plus experience – in and out of family court - has re-directed her advocacy toward promoting community education on the effects of childhood trauma and has inspired her to become an active proponent of ‘trauma sensitize’ learning environments as well as medial environments.

Are You Brave Enough To Listen? by S. R. Cyr

I belong to a tribe of warriors that no one from outside that tribe will ever talk about. I know their names – and they know mine - but we’ve never met face- to-face.

This tribe I speak of consists of female warriors. However, my tribe are not just female warriors, but, female warriors denied “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Our kinship validates our existence as we walk invisible amongst you.

You may wonder what brought us strangers together. Why would hundreds -possibly thousands of women - band together  and support each other?

Here is my answer: we are united in the fact that through no fault of our own, we have been left with nothing but our voice. We have been left childless, financially disabled, heart-broken, hopeless, shell-shocked, numb, disabled with PTSD, and alone. We speak but no one hears us. We cry but no one wipes out tears. We scream but our screams go unheard. We go through the motions of life but we feel as if we are in quicksand.

Some well-intentioned people attempt to comfort us with assurance that everything will be just fine, but, it never is.

Imagine being deprived of an active role in the nurturing, loving, and fostering of a young child into young adulthood? Assuring us all will be ‘fine’ is a cue that you are not truly listening.

How can one mourn the death of a relationship that people insist has opportunity to be?? If I could ask the well-meaning people one thing, it would be this: please, stop telling me that my children will “come back.” Because truth-be-told, there is a good chance they may not.

And, even if they did, they will not be the children I once knew: trauma has a way of changing people for life.

Let me introduce you to the newest member of my tribe; her name is Donna Buiso. She – like me-  through several years of family court procedures – was stripped of all parental rights.

I purchased Ms. Busio’s memoir hoping to find the answer to the question that every mother deprived of time spent with children wants to know: do the children ever come back? Do the children deprived of their biological mother ever come to really know their mother??

If you want to find out that answer, I highly recommend purchasing Donna’s book.

As so poignantly written within the forward of Donna Buiso’s book, Nothing But MyVoice, “This is a book that requires action. Action to change and rectify a system that allows the continued unconscionable abuse of mothers. These injustices must be corrected for the sake of all emotionally abused mothers, their emotionally abused children, and for the welfare of society at large {David P. Hayes, Ph.D.}.”

Donna Busio’s depiction of her life with an emotionally abusive ex-husband can be triggering for anyone who has lived this kind of hell.

Psychological warfare is the only way to describe what it is like to co-parent with an abusive ex-partner. Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public often forget that emotional, verbal, financial, and judicial abuse fall within the spectrum of domestic abuse.

Imagine being court ordered to stand back and watch your own child suffer at the hands of a person who uses verbal, emotional and psychological tactics to get their adults needs met? Adults who choose to file for sole custody and refuse to allow your child to be with you: imagine?

I bought Ms. Busio’s book because I was also stripped of parental rights, decision making power, and a visitation schedule. I was court ordered to sit back and watch as my teens were raised in a home environment that – in my opinion- lacked supervision, compassion, and authentic love.

I had to endure phone calls, emails, and text messages from my teenage daughter asking me, “where is dad taking me?”

I later found out that one of her father’s tactics for controlling her behavior was to threaten her with being “dropped off somewhere” because he could no longer “handle her.” When she begged and pleaded to live with me- her mother that raised her the first12 years of her life-  her dad would respond, “anywhere but with your mother.”

Even today, as I re-count these events, I go numb. Admittedly, as I read Donna Buiso’s depiction of her own children’s torture, I was triggered.

I cannot fathom how a human – especially an adult- could be so cruel toward a child.

How can any human – parent or probate judge- deny a child their biological mother?

Donna ends her book with the words, “My voice is my strength. It’s all I have left. I will continue to use it, not just for myself but for the children and for all of the mothers who find themselves fighting to protect their family in court.”   

Ms. Buiso has spoken. And so has hundreds and thousands of other mothers throughout the US as we warriors write incessantly to our local and national political leaders as well as to major network television studios.

We warriors have been left with nothing but our voices. For decades now, we have proven to be beyond brave for articulating our pain.

What remains to be seen is this: Are you brave enough to listen?

Reading Recommendations = February 22, 2016

I have an idea for a blog post running around in my brain but also dealing with heavy brain fog due to to a flu bug that took over my life for a week.  So here are some things to read while you wait.  AND take care of yourself.  Remember, if you get sick and go to work, you infect others and you end up being sick even longer.

Looking through the lens of trauma in a number of settings:  http://www.postcrescent.com/story/news/2016/02/20/looking-through-lens-trauma/79126968/

If you are looking for a response for those folks who feel that TANF recipients should be drug tested in order to received benefits, this does a great job of breaking it down:  http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2016/02/19/3747139/states-drug-testing-welfare-recipients/

A guide for talking to people about their experiences and the effects of trauma (includes video of advocate talking to survivor):  http://www.acesconnection.com/blog/grow-your-trauma-informed-mind-help-them-go-for-the-gold

A view of addiction as a response to childhood suffering:  https://www.thefix.com/gabor-mat%C3%A9-addiction-holocaust-disease-trauma-recovery?page=all

An interesting piece on how survivors use lying as a way to survive and some strategies to move on from this survival skill:  http://www.susankingsleysmith.com/telling-lies-as-a-way-to-survive/

Another piece on self care:  http://blogs.psychcentral.com/live-thrive/2016/02/take-care-of-yourself-by-getting-active/

Book Review: Missoula – Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by Jon Krakauer

Jon Krakauer is an investigative journalist who likes to embed himself in a situation to delve into the intricacies of a situation or experience.  In Missoula, Mr. Krakauer goes to Missoula, Montana to investigate the many systems and personalities that become involved when a rape allegation is made on a college campus.  I have heard interviews with Mr. Krakauer and he has stated that Missoula is not atypical.  He did not pick Missoula because it was different but because it was so similar to other college towns across the nation.

Jon does not leave any stone unturned in telling the stories of rape allegations in this college town that treats its football players as celebrities and heroes, granting the players a sense of entitlement that extends to the women who attend the college.  Mr. Krakauer interviews victims and family members and has access to interviews with the alleged rapists.  He also delves into the criminal justice system and campus investigative process and delineates how the allegations are handled differently in each setting. He is also explicitly describes the judicial process and how defense attorneys and prosecutors are often so concerned with winning that the victims and perpetrators often become pawns in the process, leaving victims to experience more trauma during and after the plea and/or trial process.

Jon Krakauer researched the impact of trauma on victims and is able to incorporate the work of Judith Herman, a clinical professor at Harvard and author of Trauma and Recovery, an important work on interpersonal violence and the trauma that occurs.  David Lisak, an expert on serial rapists and college sexual assault, is an expert witness for one of the trials in Missoula and Mr. Krakauer pulls from his research and expert testimony in order to describe the intricacies of understanding sexual assault.

Jon Krakauer’s greatest message in this book is that the refusal to hold perpetrators accountable is their greatest weapon and the justice systems’ greatest failure. 

Reading Recommendations and Resources - Week of January 11, 2016

A lot of information came out this past week.  There should be something below for everyone including advocates, educators, and survivors.

Three information sheets from the National Childhood Traumatic Stress Network for working with children and families affected by trauma.

Children with Traumatic Separation:

http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/children_with_traumatic_separation_professionals.pdf

Sharing Power to Engage Children and Families:

http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/sharingpower1_final.pdf

Sharing Power - A Tool for Reflection

http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/sharingpower2_final.pdf

An article on traumatic brain injury and domestic violence:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/02/domestic-violence-tbi_n_7488168.html


An Education Writers' Association article  on how trauma affects a students ability to engage in the classroom.  If you read through the article you will find a link to a powerpoint that has some additional information.  I like this because of how it also discuss trauma's intersection with race and poverty.
http://www.ewa.org/blog-educated-reporter/when-grit-isnt-enough

Here is an article on boundaries that could be used in a support group:
http://www.susankingsleysmith.com/boundaries-not-what-we-allow-others-to-do/

An excellent article from the Joyful Heart Foundation on managing vicarious trauma and being kind to one's self.
http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/blog/bearing-witness-while-prioritizing-yourself

Reading Recommendations Week of January 4, 2016

I have been lax in writing posts lately, but have been pondering how to send out all the information that comes across my desk from various resources.  There are many great articles that could be used to augment volunteer training and just provide general information on various topics regarding trauma, trauma responsive services, children and trauma, and working with survivors of intimate partner violence.  I have decided to start doing a weekly/bi-weekly digest that provides links to these various articles for you to browse through and pick and choose what you feel would be appropriate for you and your needs.  I hope this is useful for you.

This week's harvest is:

  A reminder that the period after the holidays is difficult for many people:  http://www.pressdemocrat.com/news/4937489-181/suicides-peak-during-holidays-not

The importance of art for at-risk children:
http://www.trivalleycentral.com/trivalley_dispatch/health_and_wellness/making-art-helps-children-at-risk/article_c1343280-ae53-11e5-9f13-23d8b586ef01.html

https://www.socialworkhelper.com/2014/10/08/children-experience-early-childhood-trauma-just-get/

The problems with memory and sexual trauma:
http://thinkprogress.org/health/2014/12/23/3606576/memory-and-sexual-trauma/

An excellent training for any educators you may know:
http://www.ciscentraltexas.org/resources/traumatraining/

A powerful story on the dangers of assuming a rape report is false:

https://www.propublica.org/article/false-rape-accusations-an-unbelievable-story

Some self care ideas:
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s160/sh/b38867c3-e564-4b1e-9028-ad1b57438ab7/843d284295cd7b56cc6e2827cd4724ac

The Egg and I - Boundaries

As many of you know, I love to use analogies when I am talking about the various effects of exposure to trauma.  These analogies will pop up at odd times throughout my day when I am not thinking about my work and when I am occupied with something that doesn’t require a lot of thought.  This is just another example of how allowing your mind to rest can help it be more creative.

The other day I was peeling hard boiled eggs for salad and I started thinking about boundaries.  Sometimes I take the egg and lightly tap it against the counter and a small break will occur where I can start peeling away the shell.  Other times I may be in a bit of a mood and I strike it harder against the side of the sink, resulting in a larger break in the shell and the pieces falling off faster.  If the egg is fresh it may be more difficult to peel but there may be more damage to the egg white as pieces of it come off with the shell.

When the egg shell is removed from the egg, the egg becomes vulnerable and we are able to do anything we want with it.  

When a child’s boundaries are broken much care needs to be taken to ensure that the crack does not result in larger pieces of the boundary being removed.  Protective factors such as family support, education, and encouragement of developmentally appropriate physically and emotionally healthy activities can help keep further exposure from happening, increasing the resilience of the child and limiting future vulnerability. 

Many adults with whom we work have had a lot of damage to their boundaries.  I have worked with women who have had so many personal attacks against them starting at an early age that they have forgotten or have never known that that they can have boundaries.  They have been exposed for so long without protection that they no longer believe that boundaries exist for them. For some of them, the idea of personal boundaries may be an alien concept or they may be fearful of setting boundaries because when they do so someone comes along and tries to break their shell again.

We don’t know what has happened to someone when we first meet them.  We don’t know if their shell was removed all at once, in large chunks, or they just have a few cracks.  However, we find out soon enough that they struggle with maintaining boundaries and they may need our support.  We can help them find the resources and strength they need to further protect themselves.  This includes modeling appropriate boundaries and respecting their boundaries.

Unlike the eggs I use for salad, with the appropriate support and building up of community and protective factors, someone who has had their boundaries damaged can rebuild their life. 

Boundaries and the Art of Compassionate Detachment

As I work with advocates I often find that many of them struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries with the survivors with whom they work on a daily basis.  It is so hard to listen to the stories of abuse and see the effects of trauma without ending up giving a little bit more of ourselves until we are eventually drained and feeling our own loss of hope.  There is also a tendency, at times, to enter into special relationships with people with whom we feel a connection.  This may feel like friendship to someone who hasn't many friends or like parenting to someone who feels the need to connect with a motherly figure. It feels good in the short term, but can eventually lead to hurt feelings and a break in the relationship.

We talk about establishing healthy boundaries in our world.  Sometimes this can feel like we are cutting ourselves off from people in order to preserve the advocate/survivor relationship.  However, we can also lend ourselves to the idea of "compassionate detachment."  This allows us to still be caring but we separate ourselves from the outcome of the relationship.  We remember that the person's growth is a process to which we are caring witnesses.  We witness their emerging  power rather than impose our own will and desires.  We also are compassionate with our selves by letting go of the outcome.

Here are a few good articles I found on compassionate detachment that I hope you will find helpful.

https://realbalancewellness.wordpress.com/2011/05/11/compassionate-detachment-the-being-and-doing-of-coaching-part-one/

http://helenabbott.com/coaching-and-personal-development/compassionate-detachment-what-the/

http://www.rewiringthesoul.com/2008/07/compassionate-detachment.html

Defining Success: Why We May Feel We Are Working Harder Than the Survivor

I have to admit it.  There have been times in my life as a direct service provider that I have said “if I am working harder than my client, there is something wrong.”  What I am realizing now, though, is that the fault was not with my client.  It had to do with my expectations and the fact that I was focusing on my goals for her, rather than letting her define what success meant.  Even if we had come to an agreement on the goals, there is a good chance that the client was submitting to what I was promoting.  Survivors are very skillful at deferring to others in order to feel safe in a relationship in which they perceive the counselor/shelter manager/advocate may have “power over” or access to things that the survivor needs. 

In a study by the Full Frame Initiative in California, available here http://fullframeinitiative.org/how-do-survivors-define-success-report-recommendations/ it is noted that too often we define success based on our own expectations or the those of our funders and we forget to ask survivors how they define success for themselves.  We can get so caught up in promoting an end to the abusive relationship, permanent housing, employment, parenting skills, etc., that we end up creating a menu of goals for survivors to choose from rather than sitting down and really delving into what is meaningful for the person.  The above mentioned study found that a change in the abusive relationship was considered success by only 7% of the persons who participated in the study.  In fact, “across all survivor responses, they most often credited themselves, family members, and God/faith as the top enablers of moments of success, as well as the top supports for coping in between.” “This is not a wholesale dismissal by survivors of the importance of services, but a reflection of the place that services and professional relationships hold in achieving personal success.. . . clearly services and formal supports help survivors take steps towards that ‘authentic self’ but they are not the only or even most important factor.”

We work very hard to be empowering in our work with survivors and feel that the support and services we provide are a way to do so.  However, we forget that empowerment can be brought forth in a person through strong connections in the community.  Isolation, a tool of the abuser, may have limited connections and through new connections the survivor may be able to find herself and be engaged in ways that are more meaningful than those we can provide in our structure and limitations.  We also know that in our best efforts to provide support through empowerment we still are trying to help survivors navigate systems that are less than empowering and are often abusive.  This can lead to stalling and disengagement if survivors feel this is all we have to offer. 

The Full Frame Initiative study recommends that “programs do ‘success planning’ in addition to “safety planning” based on survivors’ idea of success. Practitioners should learn to ask about what successful relationships and opportunities survivors do have.”  We can also provide more opportunities for success in non-traditional support groups or by increasing engagement within the community.  These will provide those “moments of being connected” and “belonging to something bigger than me”, and “accomplishment and opportunity” that survivors seek. 

The full report will give you recommendations for moving forward.

The Origins of Addiction - from Dr. Vincent Felitti and the Adverse Childhood Study

In this film,  Dr Vincent Felitti, from Kaiser Permanente presents information from the ongoing 17,000 person Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study to challenge the conventional view that certain chemicals are intrinsically addicting.  He presents the evidence gathered in the ACE study to show that “addiction is not a disease, but is an unconsciously attempted response to minimize the effects of abnormal life experiences. Addiction can be seen as the unconscious, compulsive use of psychoactive materials in response to the stress of life experiences, typically dating back to childhood.”

Dr. Felitti discusses patients, including the woman who was the first person to draw his attention to the issue of using substances (in her case food), who are engaging in behaviors normally considered harmful in order to alleviate and protect from the pain of childhood experiences.  He primarily addresses food, alcohol, nicotine, methamphetamines and heroin addiction.  They are a few of the things that may be seen as public health problems but may often be “personal solutions to long-concealed adverse childhood experiences.  Describing bad habits as self-destructive behaviors hides their functionality in the life of a trauma survivor.”

As I think about how we try to address substance abuse, the heroin crisis, and human trafficking, I am drawn to the conclusion that we will fail in our attempts to resolve the crises until we begin to talk about the long held private conditions that lead to the public problems.  “These life experiences are very likely to be lost in time, and protected by shame, by secrecy, and by social taboos against exploring certain aspects of human experience.”  So many of us were raised in families and cultures where we did not discuss shameful family secrets.  As we grew up we were seen as the problem when the legacy of adverse childhood experiences presented as addictions and mental illness.

At this point in time treatment options are few and far between and minimally address the origins of the addiction.  By failing to address the adversity experience in childhood by so many people, we fail in our attempts to treat.  When treatment fails, we blame the person instead of recognizing that by “treating someone’s attempted solution, we may be threatening and causing flight from treatment” or forcing them to find another, possibly life-threatening, solution.

When these childhood experiences are named and validated as the source of long term difficulties in adolescence and adulthood we are removing the stigma and helping persons understand that it is not about having something wrong with them, but that something was done to them.  The next steps are to assist in finding healthier solutions and recognizing the strength and resiliency that helped them find solutions in the first place and survive in the midst of extremely adverse experiences. 

http://www.albertafamilywellness.org/resources/video/origins-addiction

Mental Health and Substance Use Coercion Surveys Report from the National Center on DV, Trauma and Mental Health

The National Center on Domestic Violence Trauma and Mental Health has done a study on batterers' efforts to undermine victims' sanity and sobriety, to control their medication and treatment, or to sabotage their recovery and access to resources and support. This is considered to be another element of coercive control and can often lead to long term consequences for the victim.  Please read and disseminate the attached information to your local mental health and substance abuse agencies.

http://www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org/publications-products/mental-health-and-substance-use-coercion-surveys-report/

An Invitation to Re-consider “Failure to Protect”

I provide training to child welfare workers a few times a year about the impact of domestic violence on children and families.  During most of those sessions I heard a worker talk about a parent’s (always a mother’s) failure to protect her children from the domestic violence.  I usually try to re-direct the responsibility for the abuse back to the perpetrator, but workers seem to be at a loss as to how to address the issue and may look for other language that may still end up stigmatizing the non-offending parent and perpetuating the idea that child protection workers are adversaries.

I reviewed a few articles about failure to protect and have provided the links below.  However, I would like to take space here to paraphrase some of the important points and hope that you will take the time to read the articles in full.  I will not be addressing the issue of mothers as perpetrators and/or persons who are complicit in the child abuse.  Those areas definitely need to be addressed by the child welfare system.  I am just addressing the issue of blaming a non-offending parent for the actions of the offender.

When charging a mother with failure to protect, assumptions and stereotypes create a heightened duty on the part of the mother.  The assumption that women have a greater capacity for nurturing and therefore a heightened duty to protect produces a gender disparity between women and men.  Also, in some cases, when the woman is abused, the court and others may feel that this was sufficient to alert her to the batterer’s tendency to violence and leading her to leave him in order to protect her children.  This viewpoint on the part of the court or services may be in direct opposition to a cultural or religious belief in the keeping the family together at all costs.

In the past, Battered Woman Syndrome may have been used to explain failure to protect; however, BWS is now seen as reinforcing negative stereotypes about women’s passivity and weakness.  On the whole, though, the failure to protect seems to reflect a gender bias, and sometimes racial bias, that needs to be addressed.   

The three stereotypes that appear when someone is charged with failure to protect are:

1.       The All-Sacrificing Mother – in which the assumption is made that the mother can leave the abuser and that the threat of the charge will encourage her to act when she would not do so otherwise.  Workers or the court may not consider what steps she may have taken to leave or protect her family that did not work or if she has been blamed for any steps she did take by being told the actions were “inconsistent or ineffectual.”  The lack of shelter space and permanent housing, lack of financial or other support, little protection from the court system, and fear of the batterer may not be taken into consideration.

2.       The All-Knowing (and Blamed) Mother – mothers are assumed to be all knowing and face harsher scrutiny.  Women are expected to have a greater ability to discern the causes of bumps and bruises and be able to see through their partners’ lies than would a male non-offending parent. 

3.       The Nurturing Mother/Breadwinning Father – Often, in two parent household in which the mother works there appears to be a higher expectation that she be aware of any abuse to her children and more able to prevent it than for the working father. 

Given what we know about the control an abuser has over his victims and the fear a women may have of being involved in the system, we can see that when abuse is occurring in the home she is caught between a rock and a hard place.  Trauma victims will often resort to doing what is important for the moment and do their best to protect themselves and their children; however, these efforts may not be explained and/or considered enough by workers or by the judge if the case rises to that level.  We also know that women often feel conflicted when they know that their children love the offending parent and they may choose to stay because of that bond.  Also, a history of witnessing domestic violence in her own home as a child along with victimization as a child may result in difficulty in making productive decisions for her and her family.  There also may be other issues such as poverty, homelessness, substance abuse, and mental illness that contribute to a sense of powerlessness.

When asked what could be used instead of “failure to protect” in documenting these incidents, I responded by asking the worker to identify what community and societal barriers are in place that make it difficult for the mother to make the changes necessary and to be sure that the final “blame” for the abuse is placed firmly where it needs to be.  Is there adequate, affordable housing near her family supports, daycare, and place of employment?  Is there shelter space for her and her children?  Is there a protective order in place and, if so, is it being enforced?   Is the offender being held responsible for his actions?  If the offender is the father, have protections been put in place for visitation?  If the offender violates the protective order and is back in the home, is this due to coercion on his part or need for financial assistance on her part? Is there a definite pattern of power and coercive control?  When a report needs to be filed, can another reason be used rather than “failure to protect”, such as drug exposure or medical neglect? 

According to an advocate, “if a mom is filed on for ‘failure to protect’ from domestic violence it will be very difficult for her to change that behavior or break out of the cycle of violence given the powerless over the actions of the perpetrator. If a mom is filed on for exposure to substance or anything else, those become goals she will more likely agree upon and will be more likely to constructively work towards.” 

When a situation rises to the attention of child welfare, I am strongly aware of the mandate to ensure children are protected from further harm.  Social workers are dedicated individuals who are burdened by this heavy responsibility.  By recognizing that the “failure to protect” allegation against victims may further harm, stigmatize and create resistance, workers can find other ways to partner with non-offending mothers in creating safe lives for their children. 

Resources:  http://www.uk.sagepub.com/pricefamchnge4e/study/articles/06/Kantor_Little.pdf

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/fugate.pdf

 Chickens at a local NH shelter. They provide fresh eggs and the children love them!

The Four Agreements for Advocates

Back in 1997 a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz was published that one would normally pass by as another piece of pop psychology written by a supposed Toltec to litter the “self-help” section of bookstores for a short period of time.  It would then disappear into the dusty back room of used book stores.  However, the wisdom between its pages was so simple and yet so profound that it continues to endure and influence lives eighteen years later.  Whatever the origins of the wisdom, it is hard to dispute the value of applying the Four Agreements in one’s personal and professional life.  I am going to attempt to take these agreements and apply them to the work that we do as advocates for domestic and sexual assault victims.

The Four Agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word;

Don’t take anything personally;

Don’t make assumptions; and

Always do your best.

The 1^st Agreement:  Be impeccable with your word

Ruiz defines the word impeccability as meaning “’without sin.  And sin is anything that you do which goes against yourself.  You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything.  When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you do not judge or blame yourself.”  In addition we don’t use our words against others in the same way.  Criticizing, blaming, or gossiping about the people with whom we work (other advocates and/or survivors) is not honoring the agreement to be impeccable. 

Honoring our commitments is also considered to be a part of being impeccable in our word.  When we make a commitment to a survivor or a co-worker we must make sure that we are able to follow through on that commitment.  We should not make promises we can’t keep.  It is more honorable to say “no” that to make a promise that we eventually will have to break.  It is important that we be aware of our limitations and the scope of our services so that we do not make empty promises. 

The 2^nd Agreement: Don’t take anything personally

This seems to be one of the most difficult agreements for advocates, especially when they feel they are doing everything they can for someone and then the person becomes angry and seemingly ungrateful for what has been done for them.  Don Miguel Ruiz puts it very succinctly, “Nothing other people do is because of you.  It is because of them.”  So when someone is angry at you or if someone is talking bad about your agency recognize that it has more to do with them and how they are feeling than it does to do with you.  Especially if you have been keeping the 1^st agreement!  The agreements build on each other. 

The other side of this is that even when someone is saying wonderful things about you and telling you that you are the best advocate in the whole world and they could never have done it without you – well, don’t take it personally.  It is still about them and how they feel about themselves.  They feel great and the whole world feels wonderful.  Just reflect back to them what an awesome job they did and let it go.  We don’t need to fill our heads with a scrapbook of all the good things that people said about us.  It is about them. 

The 3^rd Agreement: Don’t make assumptions (or if you do, assume everyone is following the 4^th Agreement!)

Ruiz says “the way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions.  Make sure communication is clear.  If you don’t understand, ask.  Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be.”  Often I find advocates making assumptions about how institutions should respond to domestic violence and how survivors should be responding to their circumstances.  This creates more drama and angst.  By asking questions of other service providers we can find out what their limitations are and maybe open communication enough to be able to find out what can be done within their system or create a relationship in which change can be created.  Assumptions build walls of misunderstanding.  By communicating we can tear down those walls.

When we work with survivors we often make assumptions about how they are feeling or what they are doing based on how we would feel or what we would do.  By asking questions we learn more, we find out with what barriers they are fighting, and we learn more about their inner strengths and capabilities.  We become more victim-center when we do not make assumptions.

The 4^th Agreement: Always do your best

Doing our best is what maintains our commitment to the first three agreements and keeps us focused.  Don Miguel Ruiz states:  Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less.  But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next (italics mine).  Everything is alive and change all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.”  As I said above, it if we are going to assume anything about someone else, it is that they are also doing their best.

The level of our best is going to rely on self-care.  If we don’t take care of ourselves our best will not be very good and our ability to follow any of these agreements will be less than optimal.  When we find ourselves unable to follow through on our commitments, gossiping or blaming, taking things personally, or making assumptions, there is a good chance that our personal well of compassion has run dry because we haven’t maintained good positive self-care.  And, on the other hand, following the Four Agreements is a means of self-care that doesn’t require taking a day off or backing off on commitments.  Once we stop and take a breath, focus back on where we may not be keeping the agreements, we can then move forward with integrity and focus on victim-centered services.

Please take the time to read another blog - Women. Healing. Violence.

This blog post came to my attention today and I am hoping that you will find it as valuable and compelling as I have.

Please note that this full piece is very powerful and can be triggering for some.  Please read slowly and take breaks if necessary.  

Here are a few excerpts from Is it possible to recover from rape and sexual abuse? Yes and No by Laura S. Kerr PhD on her blog "Women, Healing and Violence."  I hope you will take the time to read the full post at http://womenhealingviolence.wordpress.com/2014/11/23/is-it-possible-to-recover-from-rape-and-sexual-abuse-yes-and-no/

"...the process of healing from sexual violence is slow, painful, and expensive. And because I have worked hard for a peaceful mind and body, I am protective of them. I have a low tolerance of toxic attitudes and behaviors that might upend my recovery. But I am also quick to stand up to injustices that impact others, and I have witnessed this trait in people like myself who are committed to healing their wounds of violence and abuse. Unintentionally, we become warriors of the heart — the would-be Bodhisattvas and protectors of those less fortunate and vulnerable — those we imagine are like we were before we reclaimed our right to dignity and self-preservation, and those we imagine could become victims like we once were."

"After sexual violence, most women want to forget what happened, and return to the lives they led prior to the assault. The survivor desires to be the person she was before, and avoid perceiving herself as irrevocably damaged by the rape or sexual abuse. Confusion, humiliation, and hurt are common, and contribute to self-doubt and silence.

Consequently, women often choose a course of action that will protect them from the imagined judgment of others, including avoiding seeking help. And who can blame us? Throughout history, women have been held responsible for the sexual violence perpetrated against them. Remaining silent just may be an archetypal defense response to the anticipated judgment and shaming that across the millennia have been the common response to sexually violated women (along with forced prostitution, stoning to death, and abandonment)."