Forgiveness and Recovery from Trauma

I recently had a discussion with a few advocates on the idea of forgiveness and its place in healing the effects of trauma. I have had a few incidences in my work over the years to discuss this with both survivors and advocates and thought that it would be meaningful to generate some more thoughts on the subject.


The idea of forgiving the perpetrator for many survivors is an abhorrent idea. When presented with the idea in a support group curriculum or self-help book a survivor may have many responses. “Why would I forgive him? He hasn’t apologized!” “If I forgive him, that means I have to let him in my life again?” “What? Forgive? That would mean I would have to condone what happened? I can’t do that. First you tell me it was wrong and now I have to forgive?” “I must be a horrible person if I can’t forgive.”

Healing from trauma is a process and so is forgiveness. The process of recovery from trauma has many stages and forgiveness is only a part of one of those stages. Forgiveness may also be something that occurs further along in the healing, after there has been separation from the perpetrator and more manageability of one’s life and emotions.

In Trauma and Recovery, psychiatrist Judith Herman (1997) defines trauma as a disease of disconnection. In her book she describes a three-stage model for recovery – safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection.

Early in recovery a survivor is primarily working on issues regarding safety. Forgiving the abuser can often feel unsafe. It may feel as if a crack is being opened in a door that the survivor is working very hard to keep shut. If she is still experiencing feelings of love toward the abuser she may feel that forgiveness would increase her vulnerability and decrease her safety. During this early stage, controlling the environment, both internally and externally, is the most important task. Being able to establish appropriate boundaries with everyone in her life is a part of this task and forgiveness may blur that boundary. This stage is focused on the present and lasts as long as necessary for the survivor to develop skills to reduce the impact of triggers, alleviate anxiety and depression, and negotiate safety in the greater world.

During the remembrance and mourning stage the women is stabilized and begins to focus on the past. She often begins to acknowledge her losses and mourns the loss of the relationship or the dreams that were associated with her relationship. She is using the skills learned in the first stage to self-soothe while she comes to term with the impact of the trauma on the life she thought she would have. It is during this time that she may need to start to forgive herself – not for the abuse – but for what she may perceive her role to have been in the trauma. Many survivors carry a sense of guilt and shame in regards to their abuse and how they may have handled the situation. Hopefully, she will be able to recognize that she did the best she could under the circumstances and can now move on, stronger in knowing that she survived.

If forgiveness of the perpetrator is going take place, it is probably during the third stage – reconnection. This reconnection refers to developing a new self and creating a new future. It does not mean reconnecting with the perpetrator. Forgiveness is often described as a state of “letting go,” a process of releasing the past and moving forward into the future with a light load. It is not an action toward the abuser, but is rather an internal process of living life without resentments, anger or indignation. It is the recognition that until we “let go” the abuser still has power over us. Forgiveness is really not about what it does for the other person, but what it does for the survivor. The perpetrator never needs to know.

Forgiveness is also an action that cannot be forced onto the survivor. It is not to be a prescribed or demanded expectation. This is a process that the survivor comes to of her own choosing and in her own time. She will be able to let go of the past when she feels safe stepping into the future.